How Anxious Attachment ALMOST Led Me To A Toxic Marriage
5 years ago I caught my ex-fiancée cheating on me just FIVE WEEKS before our wedding date.
I know. What a bomb to drop lol But even though this story was by far the most pain I have ever gone through, it was what led me to learning about Anxious Attachment and is the reason I am healthier today than I ever have been.
The Backstory
In April 2019, I had been in this relationship with my then-fiancee for about 3 1/2 years. We met on eHarmony in 2016 and were long distance. There were many signs of him not being completely truthful but I took those moments as accidents or even just a result of his harder upbringing. I often would excuse other people’s toxic actions as just unfortunate side effects that they couldn’t help. And I believed it was my job to love him and others through their dysfunction.
I was very involved in my church at that time as well and felt that a part of me was doing God’s will by being with this guy. I was being Jesus to him - kind, accepting, long-suffering, and turning the other cheek. I never had complete peace in the relationship, but thought that could have been the enemy trying to get in the way.
This guy was really good at manipulating me. Any time I would ask him to tell me the truth, or whenever I would challenge him when details were off or inconsistent, he would turn it back on me and accuse me of not loving him. He would also bring up his past and say I was being like people who had hurt him, and would also stonewall me and not talk to me for days. Since we were long distance, this was extra painful and I felt so out of control. I didn’t know what he was doing, how long he would ignore me, and if things were ever going to be stable again. I was anxious all the time.
He also managed to cause a fracture in my relationship with my family, but especially my older sister. She saw right through him from day one and the more she spoke up, the more defensive I got and the more angry and spiteful my partner became. It was terrible. Eventually, my sister and I stopped talking for almost a year and that was one of the most devastating things I went through because she was my best friend, and imagining a life without her involved was gut-wrenching. But I felt I somehow owed my loyalty to this guy, even though everything was falling apart.
5 Weeks Before
I was 5 weeks out from the wedding day and had most things planned. At this point, I was just trying to enjoy the process while also grieving the loss of what I imagined my day would look like. I was doing my best. I, for whatever reason, asked my partner, “There isn’t anything that’s going to come out or shock me right before the wedding is there?” My poor self had experienced so many lies that I was just waiting for the next shoe to drop. He goes, “Or course not”. And not 30 minutes later, he left his phone unattended (which he NEVER DID - Red Flag #1), and I saw a suggestive messaged pop up from someone I didn’t know. My heart stopped, my stomach tightened, and I thought “Oh God, this is about to go down”. When I asked him, “What’s this?”, without giving him context, he ran over, grabbed his phone and tried to hide it. The night progressed with him deleting stuff and telling me nothing was there and me bawling and begging for the truth and answers. It was awful.
Over the next week, his lies continued and he started blaming me for every single thing that happened. He told me if I wasn’t willing to marry him now, then he didn’t want to do it at all. And honestly, what sucks is that I was still trying to make it work, even then! I had NO self respect or love for myself. But when it became clear that he wasn’t going to own his shit and wasn’t going to try to change at all, I ended things. I had a panic attack right before - but I did it.
My Discovery of Anxious Attachment
A week after things ended and I had to tell all of our guests that the wedding was cancelled (which was the SECOND time I had to do that, by the way. We originally set a date months before but then pushed it back in an effort to restore some relationships first - that didn’t happen), I went to therapy. I felt humiliated, used, broken, and beyond help. I sat there and told my therapist everything that happened in the course of the last 3 1/2 years. Her response was, “That is one of the top seven worst stories I have ever heard, and do not ever talk to that man again.” Her words it me hard. It was like I didn’t realize how bad it was. Here I am talking to a licensed mental health professional who has worked with hundreds of patients and MY story is shocking? I couldn’t believe it. But my next question was the game-changer. The single question that completely changed my life forever. I responded to her and said, “Barbara, how did I get here?”. And this question led us down the path of learning about codependency and anxious attachment. I have been able to apply this knowledge through my entire recovery from that relationship, all the way to my now married life with my husband, Jared. I feel like I have lived many different lifetimes but the one I am in is the one I want to keep building.
It’s Your Turn
You might have related with one or many parts of my story, and that tells me you have likely been carrying some pain from your past. But I hope my story proves to you that there is 100% a way to healing your view of yourself and of your relationships with others (current or future). You can start to rewrite the narratives in your head, actually BELIEVE in your worth, and have relationships that are healthy, trusting, secure, and honoring of both people. Keep checking in for my monthly content to get a deep dive on how to heal Anxious Attachment for yourself.
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