When You Feel Like A Failure
Hey Friend,
Just this past weekend, I was sitting on the couch watching my latest comfort show "ER", which aired on TV from 1994-2009. It's a good mix of intense medical scenarios, as well as fun drama between the characters. It's not as wild as "Grey's Anatomy" (which was a guilty pleasure of mine, don't get me wrong) and is just my go-to lately when I'm winding down.
I paused the show after awhile and just sat there. I could tell I had something going on emotionally under the surface, but wasn't sure what it was. The more I explored it, the more I was able to pinpoint my thoughts and feelings: "I feel like a failure. I'm not where I'm supposed to be, or doing what I should be doing." I realized how much this idea was consuming me from the inside out. I kept thinking that other people might be fine with getting tired or not pushing themselves, but not me. I am supposed to have the will, grit, and perseverance to do hard things and remain disciplined. And the deep guilt crept in.
I felt stuck, frantic, lost, and disappointed in myself. My husband came in the room and I started to let him in on these thoughts. We talked through the facts, and reminded me that I was not a failure, and it takes time to build stuff.
Later on, I started to be my own cheerleader and closest friend, and told myself what I would tell someone else I loved: "Lindsey, you have a lot of life stuff going on, and that is valid. If you don't give yourself permission to be human, then you're missing the point."
We are humans, first and foremost, and giving ourselves space to pause and to just be is crucial to our mental health and to our healing journeys. Most of us who struggle with Anxious Attachment, struggle thinking we are too much or not enough, and so we push harder. But I would argue that the hustle and bustle of culture can run us into the ground if we are not careful. We are not guaranteed living until we are 90 years old, and therefore need to be in the present. It's all you are guaranteed, and you don't want it to slip away.
If you're feeling like a failure, here are a few tips to get you going in the right direction:
Remind yourself of the facts - Are you a perfect person? Are you supposed to be a professional at something that you just started? No. You are imperfect, just like everyone else, and constantly learning, falling, and getting back up is the prerequisite for living on this earth. Cut yourself some slack, and don’t create unattainable goals for yourself.
Write out your thoughts or bounce them off someone that you trust - It can be hard to navigate truth when our brains are already overwhelmed and in survival mode. When you can either physically see your thoughts on paper, or hear your thoughts out loud, it can help you detach and view them as a third party. If you’re sharing with a friend, they can help confirm or challenge your ideas, and make sure you’re seeing the whole picture.
Practice self-compassion - Here are several mantras you can put on your mirror, in your car, on your phone, etc. Say them out loud when able:
"I am allowed to stumble. Every step forward begins with getting back up."
"I give myself grace. My worth is not defined by my setbacks."
"I rise from every fall. I am resilient, and I keep moving forward."
"Failure is not the end — it’s the beginning of something better."
"I am enough, exactly as I am."
"My past does not define my future."
4. Pick ONE small, attainable act, and do it - Feeling accomplished doesn’t have to come from some finished, massive project. Often, it starts with a tiny step towards the life we actually want, and that step builds momentum. Writing this blog is an example of one, attainable goal I gave myself to feel like I’m moving the needle. It is an intentional, gentle step, and I am reminding myself that it is enough.
Let yourself be authentic, imperfect, and present each day. It is not a weakness to admit struggle, but rather wisdom and strength.
I hope you can speak that truth to your own heart today. :)
XOXO -Linz
P.S.- If you’re ready to heal your Anxious Attachment with someone who has been there and come out the other side, I’m your girl. Fill out a Contact Form or email me at Hello@LifeCoachLinz.com, and I will be in touch.