What To Do When Your Partner Does NOT Meet Your Needs
As some of you know, I am married to an introvert.
Being an only child, my husband naturally became comfortable with solitude and independence. For as long as I have know him, Jared as always been a doer, is incredibly intelligent, and almost always gets things done immediately (rather than procrastinating). He also has an amazing knack for accessing a problem and coming up with a plan for how to fix it.
I, on the other hand, came from a big family and had to learn to share my space, schedule, and time with my siblings. I often times was the peace-maker in the family, and did not have issues confronting others lol I also am very expressive and experience very strong emotions about most things, and it is usually easy for me to communicate what I’m thinking and feeling.
As a married couple of almost 3 years now, we’ve had our struggles like anyone else, and have more challenges ahead of us, I’m sure. But when it comes to Anxious Attachment, I have had a particularly hard time with Jared not showing his love in the way that I want him to.
I want the ushy, gushy, lovey-dovey words and grand romantic gestures, and Jared naturally goes in the fixer, doer, and taking-care-of role. To him, that is how he is showing how much he cares, but to me, it can feel like he doesn’t care at all.
This type of thinking can cause a lot of pain.
Why? Because when we define love in a rigid and specific way, it can actually make us blind to the love that our partner is trying to give us on a daily basis. When we are anxiously attached, we are constantly testing our partner to see if they really love us. Our core fear is that we are unlovable, and because of this, we are always afraid our partners will eventually get bored of us and leave, or find someone better. This is so terrifying to us that we tend to cling, set the bar too high, and live in insecurity. Our next move is either shutting down or getting big and “attacking” our partner. We think that if we can control them, we can guarantee that we will not get hurt. If they can just meet our needs exactly the way we want them to, we will be okay and it proves that we are truly loved. But life is more grey than it is black and white.
The Truth About your Needs
Here are some powerful truths I want you to remind yourself of if you can relate with this black and white way of thinking in your relationships:
Your Needs Are Valid
Anxiously attached individuals tend to desire closeness and security SO MUCH that they will do just about anything to get it, even if that means abandoning their own beliefs, comfort, or needs in order to make the other person happy or “keep the relationship afloat”. This is why it is important to advocate for your needs! You are your own unique human being who deserves to take up space on this planet. This includes your needs and wants. If you believe other people should have their needs met, why do you automatically cut yourself out of that equation? Every person deserves to be heard and cared for. Period.
You Need To Know What Your Needs Are
If you’ve spent years taking care of other people, you may be out of touch with your own needs and being able to decipher what they are. My first tip would be to notice when you are feeling really happy. The things that bring the most joy could be a sign of your needs being fulfilled. Examples could be going to a nice dinner = quality time (the need), or getting to paint = being creative (the need). Another way to look at it is to take note of when you get triggered, angry, or sad. Examples could be your partner said something that didn’t line up with what they said before = dishonesty (honesty is the need) or they didn’t remember it was an anniversary = lack of feeling valued and seen (the need).
Once you figure out what your needs are, you can find a way to communicate them to your partner in a respectful way.
Your Partner May Not Be Able To Meet Them All The Time
This one can be extra hard because we believe that if we’ve taken the time to figure out our needs and communicate them, our partner HAS to meet them no matter what. The truth, however, is that they have their own needs, and are human just like you. They have long, stressful days at work just like you do, or have days of depression or might want to do their own thing. Odds are, they also have needs and desires that you may not be meeting all the time either, and that can make them feel more distant. It’s a two-way street.
If you’re with a partner who does their best to love you and works hard in the relationship most of time ( we all have those days when we miss the mark), I want you to tell yourself these two things:
“My partner is on my side and has good intentions”
“My partner is loving me in the best way they know how”
We often show/give love in the way we would like to receive it. If Jared makes sure our bills are paid, the car’s oil is changed, and works extra bagpipe gigs to make sure we can reach our financial goals, then he is saying “I love you, Lindsey”. Just because he doesn’t tell me I look hot in my new outfit does not mean he does not care, and I have to continuously remind myself to pay attention to his daily actions. This is not to say he should not be doing the same with me - we both should be looking for those signs so that we can remind ourselves of the truth: We both love each other and we both show it in our own way. But we also can do our part to try to love the other person in the way they best receive it - but it’s a constant journey of growth in both methods.
Meet Your Own Needs Where Applicable
There are a few needs that only a partner can fill, but for the rest, I challenge you to find a way to meet that need in yourself. Feeling a bit lonely? Call a good friend or ask a loved one to lunch. Wanting to hear, “Damn, you look hot as hell, Lindsey!"? TELL YOURSELF THAT IN THE MIRROR. You need to become your biggest cheerleader. This builds resilience when we go through tough times, and keeps the responsibility and pressure of our happiness on our shoulders. No human being can meet all of your needs. It’s not possible. If you believe in God, lean on him. And then trust in yourself to be courageous and learn to get comfortable with uncomfortable emotions. Life is a giant ocean. Ride the waves when they go up and down and don’t let your mind convince yourself you will stay at either spot. Appreciate the great times and anchor yourself in the hard ones.
This takes practice! If you find yourself needing help learning how to do this, reach out to me here. I’d love to talk about ways I can support you.
Happy Sunday, Friends.
XO - Linz