The Truth About Boundaries: Why They Feel Hard & Why You Need Them
I was talking with one of my clients the other day, and she shared how challenging it feels to set boundaries with her family. Not only did she feel unsure about how to set a healthy boundary, but she also questioned whether it was even okay—or safe—to do so.
This is such a common struggle. Boundaries can bring up a lot of guilt, and I believe there are two big reasons why:
Many of us were raised to believe that our needs should come second to everyone else’s. We learned that making others happy was our job, even at the cost of our own well-being.
When we do try to set boundaries, people in our lives sometimes react negatively—calling us selfish, mean, or uncaring.
No wonder boundaries feel so hard!
But here’s the truth: when boundaries are set with intention and self-respect, they improve our relationships and bring more peace, joy, and security into our lives. If someone responds poorly to a reasonable boundary, it might be a sign that the relationship was unbalanced or unhealthy to begin with. People who truly care about and respect you will also respect your boundaries.
You deserve to take up space in this world. You are allowed to decide what works for you and what doesn’t—no one else gets to make that call, whether they’re a parent, spouse, friend, leader, or boss. Yes, we all have responsibilities, and some rules are in place for good reason. But when another adult tries to dictate what you must tolerate in your personal life, that’s a different story.
And when it comes to trust? That’s something to be earned, not automatically given. If someone demands your trust but doesn’t show up in an emotionally safe or healthy way, you don’t owe it to them. Pay attention to the relationships that leave you feeling drained, anxious, or unappreciated—these are often the ones where boundaries are needed the most.
At the end of the day, boundaries aren’t about controlling others. They’re about protecting your own energy, time, and well-being. They’re a way of saying, This is what I will allow in my life, and this is what I won’t.
If you’re wondering whether your boundary is healthy and coming from the right place, use this guide to check in with yourself. Because you do deserve relationships that honor and support you.
Here are some signs that you're setting a healthy boundary:
1. It Aligns with Your Needs & Values
You're setting the boundary to protect your emotional, mental, or physical well-being, not to punish or control someone.
It reflects what’s truly important to you, like self-respect, peace, or emotional safety.
2. It’s Clear & Direct
You communicate your boundary in a way that is firm but kind, without being passive-aggressive or overly aggressive.
Example: Instead of saying, "You never respect my time," a clear boundary would be, "I need to leave at 7, so I won’t be able to wait if you’re late."
3. It Comes from Self-Responsibility, Not Blame
Healthy boundaries focus on your actions, not on forcing others to change.
Example: Instead of “You need to stop talking to me like that,” a healthy boundary is “If you raise your voice at me, I will step away from the conversation.”
4. You Feel a Sense of Relief & Self-Respect
After setting the boundary, you feel more at peace, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.
You might feel nervous about how others will react, but deep down, you know you're honoring yourself.
5. You’re Willing to Follow Through
A boundary is only healthy if you're prepared to uphold it.
If someone crosses your boundary and you don’t take action, it becomes an empty request rather than a true boundary.
6. It Doesn’t Require Others to Agree or Approve
A healthy boundary is something you set for yourself, regardless of whether others like it.
You don’t need to over-explain, justify, or convince people to accept it.
7. It Allows for Connection, Not Control
Healthy boundaries help build relationships based on mutual respect, not resentment or codependency.
If a boundary pushes someone away, it usually means the relationship was dependent on you overextending yourself.
If you're feeling guilt or doubt, remind yourself:
➡️ Boundaries are an act of self-care, not selfishness.
➡️ People who truly respect you will respect your boundaries.
➡️ Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it often means you’re growing.
Until next time,
-Linz
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